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Step Up

It’s Father’s Day, and on this day, I’m extremely grateful for my stepfather who’s been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. My parents divorced with I was about nine, and I remember every moment of it like it was yesterday. My mother was a single mom for years after the divorce. In my eyes, it felt as if my biological father forgot my older sister and I existed. As if we didn’t have the same blood running through our veins. Tragic right? To this day, much hasn’t changed. I honestly haven’t spoken to him in about 3 years. He doesn’t have a relationship with my son nor does he acknowledge us. My older sister speaks to him from time to time but at this point, I’m completely over that. I feel that deep down he desires a relationship with my sister and I but doesn’t know how to get there. I’ve tried reaching out multiple times and somehow we always end up where we started. I’m grateful for who’s been there though, and that’s my step father Scott. He’s who my son calls gr…
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Free Myself

Think…think…think…. I’m always thinking. My mind is always pondering my next move. How will I pay for this? That bill is gonna be late. What date was that function? When should I have her resume ready? What day is Bentley’s game again? All these thoughts are bouncing around in my head simultaneously. At times I just want to hold my head and scream QUIEETTTT like they do in the movies.

For those that don’t know, my 9-5 job is a career advisor at a local vocational school, I write resumes on the side for passive income, my son is active in every sport there is, I start a bachelors program within a month, I’m running in a pageant and I’m always on the go. I’m a strong believer that rest is for rich people. I’m willing to work overtime to get where I want to be in life but, sometimes it takes it’s toll on me.

With so much going on, a lot has happened to me physically and emotionally. I’ve gained an unmentionable amount of weight, my anxiety has kicked in so I’m shorter tempered than usual…

You're So Strong

Hey guys! It’s been a minute since I sat down to put my thoughts on paper. I feel like there’s so many moving parts to life right now, and I’m doing my best to keep up. My mind is on overload. On a positive note, I’m feeling much better this week than I did last week. Last week I was a complete mess. I was so stressed out. I’m sure I sat in traffic and cried a few times.


I’ve been told “You’re one of the strongest people I know” for a very long time, by so many people. I agree with them on most occasions. I feel when people label me this way, it prevents me from being able to show them anything other than my strong self in the future. Since so many people view me in that light, it creates a large group of people in my mind that I can’t show raw emotion in front of. I feel I can’t go to these people with my problems because they’re going to view me as weak. This in return  creates situations where I’m crying at stop lights because I’m stressed and don’t want to appear weak in front of a…

I'm Not Ready

We’ve all had our heart broken at some point or another. It’s life and sometimes people just suck. I’ve had my fair share of heart break and it’s just something I don’t want to endure again. Like who has time and energy to invest in people repeatedly? Not me! It’s just a gamble I’m not willing to take. After speaking with a friend last week, I concluded I actually don’t want a relationship, I want the help.

When I think of being in a relationship my stomach hurts. I like having my own space, I get annoyed with people easily, Bentley and I have our own routine and to add a third person to that would be chaotic. I’ve been in a few relationships and guess what…I’m single now. I actually get upset with myself when I look back on the people I’ve allowed in my life and the time I’ve wasted. It’s frustrating. My last relationship ended for financial reasons right before I found out he was expecting twins with someone else. That was a major blow for me. All I ever asked was for honesty, time…

Let the Good Times Roll

Hey Boo. The last week has been a complete blur. My birthday was amazing! I enjoyed watching my son play his first baseball game of the season, we had a quick dinner at his favorite Chinese restaurant, and I indulged in an amazing bottle of red wine my good from Allie got brought me to celebrate.
I recently decided to compete in the Miss Plus Size Charleston 2019 pageant, so I had my first meeting for that last week as well. To top everything off I leave for Vegas in the morning to really kick off Level 28! It’s been a busy few weeks to say the least but I’m so ready for some relaxation. Of course, I wait to the last minute to pack. Well, I packed, my bag was too heavy, and now I have to pack again. I mean a girl need options, right? On the inside I’m a nervous wreck. I have so many moving pieces in my life right now, it’s a little hard to keep up with at times. I’ve been wanting to start my modeling career, I’ve enrolled back in school, keeping up with my blog and resume writing bu…

Suit Up

April 18th where are you? This queen was born April 10th and for the first time ever I told my girlfriends I wanted to take a trip to Vegas to celebrate. They love me a ton so they all agreed. I think my body is sensing it’s almost vacation time because lately I’ve found myself more irritable that ever. I feel horrible for saying this but even my precious son is aggravating the crap out of me! He calls my name to tell me he’s thirsty when he knows where the kitchen is. I believe he just says mama for the hell of it.
It all started last week when I rushed home to get my new bathing suit from the mail. It took forever but whatever I was super excited to try it on. I think I was more anxious to see if it actually fit more than anything. My weight has been all over the place lately and my waistline has definitely grown the last few months. Ugh…I can never maintain my weight which is so frustrating. Like who the hell can lose thirty pounds in two weeks before vacation? Oh well. It is what …

Trapped In The Closet

Hello honey bees. I hope all is well with you. It’s not even Wednesday yet and I’m ready for Friday. The last few weeks have been super busy, and I can’t think of one thing I did for myself. Anyway, that’s another topic for another day. I wanted to speak on something that many women don’t. You know you always get the tea with me sis so have a seat and grab some honey.

My morning started off very interesting. Just as I’m getting ready for work, I hear my Kim Possible (90s Kid) text notification blast from my cell. I keep my circle very small, so my first thought was “who’s texting me this early?” I grab my phone and realize it’s a good friend of mines. Upon opening her messages, my screen is flooded with multiple screen shots of a Facebook conversation she had with another individual. I instantly grab me some trail mix (who eats that for breakfast???) and sit on the couch. After reading the first line I knew this was going to be good!

Yall, when I tell you my mouth dropped, it dropped…

Peace

Today was an amazing day. It started with my son and I going to church. We all know I love Jesus but curse a little bit 😊. Before service ended, I found myself at the alter in tears. I began to get overwhelmed when I started thinking of the amount of forgiveness I have to do in my life. For something that doesn’t come easy to me, the more I thought about it, the more I cried. There I was at the alter praying for inner peace and patience. As the pastor prayed over me, I could feel the tears falling over my Fenty foundation onto my red and white top. In that moment it wasn’t about being glamorous. It was a matter of resuscitating my emotions and breaking through.
Forgiveness for me is so hard at times. When people do me wrong (in relationships) it really does something to me. It bothers my soul and keeps me up at night. I’m not perfect by any means. When people do me wrong, I go out of my way to push their buttons and ruin their life, so they get a small indication of the hurt they p…

Freedom

You know that feeling you get when you come home after a long day of work and loosen that bra strap? Honey, that’s freedom in it’s purest form. It’s the type of freedom that brings you instant gratification and chills up your spine. Freedom itself is something I cherish now more than ever before. Being able to do what I want, when I want, is priceless.
I recently sat and soaked up the fact that I literally have the freedom to do what I want. I’ve always been one who liked having space. It’s almost like I want things on my own terms. I parent my son the way I want to without consulting another party, I get to sleep in the middle of my bed if I want to, I spend my money how I want, I don’t have to combine my money with anyone else, what I work hard for is mines and mines alone. I cook when I feel like it, I eat out when I want. I recently went on a date because I could. Planned my birthday vacation in Vegas because I can. I can stay up late and watch what I want on tv without being fo…

Decoding His Profile

I have to say, I’ve had my fair share of online dating. Honestly, it never ends up being anything serious. It’s all very systematic when I think about it. A date here or there, some good morning text, and then it goes silent or I cut them off because they’re crazy or I catch them in a lie. Like it never fails. It’s always the same ol’ cycle. I don’t club, I work and I’m a mother so dating apps give me the feeling of going out to meet new people without actually having to do it right away. It’s all very similar to biting into a juicy peach in the middle of Walmart’s produce section to see if it’s any good before you actually buy it. The thought behind online dating it is all great. The people behind it is all wrong. I’ve met some interesting people in my online search and learned to decode profiles. Take a look: Height: Ladies this is not a trick question, but you’d think it was because the majority of men lie in this section. If his profile says he’s 5’11 he’s more than likely around…

Numb

By no means am I perfect. My soul is far older than my years and I’m just me. I curse a lot and my temper is very short at times. I’m emotional and care too deeply for others than I should. I’ve always been one of those people that need closure and answers for everything in life. Well, today it hit me. Breezy baby…not everything has to be explained. I’ve drove myself crazy at times trying to figure things out. I’ve replayed situations in my head over and over like an old Lenny Williams record. Trying to make sense of things that weren’t meant for me to figure out. The one thing I’m learning is that not everyone is for you. Everyone doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Some people are leaches and they will suck you dry until nothing is left. When someone decides to leave your life, don’t fight…let them walk. I’m not sure who needs this right now, but you can live through my mistakes and learning curves. You’re worth it. Anyone who doesn’t see your worth is better off taki…

Happy Valentine's Day

Excuse me ma’am…Oops my bad, I’m sorry…..I’m just gonna slide right past you. This is all I heard yesterday while in Walmart. It was like Cupid threw up hearts and they landed everywhere. All these love-struck people were putting me in somewhat of an irritable mood. Part of me was excited because I was actually buying a gifts for my Valentine but the other part of me was a little sad because my Valentine didn’t have the means to buy me an extravagant gift because…..My son is only 7.
Today’s Valentine’s Day and I woke up thinking about the fact that I haven’t been in a relationship on this day since I was like 16. I head into my sons’ room to wake him for the day and I suddenly shake off all the negative energy and get excited about our dinner date tonight. As soon as he opens his eyes, he tells me Happy Valentines Day and I think he got just as excited as I was. I give him the biggest bear hug and shower him in kisses.
I can’t deny the fact that it would’ve been nice to have some f…

When The Mourning Comes

What is pain? The dictionary defines pain as “physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.” I’m sure they’re right with that definition but I know first-hand what pain feels like. Have you ever mourned someone who was still alive? That is pain! It’s almost indescribable and it hurts far more than one could ever imagine. To say goodbye to a person or relationship you thought you’d have for the long haul brings a hurt like none other.

Mourning someone who’s still alive and grieving over what use to be doesn’t go away overnight. It sticks with you. It rides your back day in and day out. It’s the song on the radio that reminds you of that person you use to share everything with. It’s staying awake at night while everyone else is asleep, trying to figure out when things started to fall apart. It’s a memory that hits you randomly and you just let the tears fall because none of it makes sense.When the mourning comes, there’s nothing you can do but take things one minute at a…

Trapped

I sat here thinking about what to blog about for quite some time. I went back and forth on how personal I was ready to get with yall. When my mind wonders, I’ve been told it’s never a good thing. I think long and hard sometimes and when I get to that point, it’s often hard to bring myself back to reality. So crap, what do I do? I decided to listen to my heart so here it goes…
My memory is pretty sharp. I remember a lot of things from my childhood. Some I care not to remember and some memories I wish I could relive all over again. I believe that no one has to be a product of their environment. Situations in our past have some impact on the people we become. I have this one memory of falling asleep in the backseat after a family outing one day and being too lazy to walk in the house. I remember my dad picking me up and carrying me in the house. By this time, I had already woken up because of all the commotion but decided to keep my eyes close anyway. He carried me to my bedroom and kisse…