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I Love You

Darkness sure falls early these days. I swear there isn’t enough hours in a day. As I tuck my son into bed, we say our prayers and kiss each other goodnight. The refreshing smell of shower gel lingers on his skin and reminds me in that split second that he’s still my baby no matter how old he gets. I inhale as I press my cheek against his and exhale all the days worries away. As I turn around to head for my room, I hear his innocent voice shout “I love you.” I smile, the way I always do with him and respond - “I love you more.” The projection and authority in his statement lets me know without a doubt that he means every word.

As I climb into bed, I feel a little emotional and my mind starts to wonder. This week has been one for the books to say the least. I begin to think about past relationships and how I felt when I heard the words I love you from previous partners.  Thinking back, I never felt moved when hearing it. Like the words uttered from their lips went in one ear and out the other. This is because although they spoke the words, they had no actions to back it up. When I started relationships in the past, I often told my partners “I know how this ends before it even starts.” That was basically my way of saying I’m going to treat you well, but you’ll find a way to play with my emotions, lie, cheat, and lead me on.  I would hear the words they spoke so freely but found myself struggling financially, emotionally, and physically. I heard them over and over yet found myself begging them spend quality time with me, fighting in a sense at times for a spot in their life. Over the years this caused major trust issues.

What was it so that they loved? Was it the intimate connection? Was it the way I loved them? Was it my physical appearance? Still till this day I just can’t figure it out. I don’t claim to be a saint by any means and I’ve made some bad decisions when perusing others, but the fact remains, I go hard for the people I love. I make things happen, I make time, I make a way, I push, I try, and repeat day in and day out. I wonder if I’ll ever know what that feels like to have those actions reciprocated. In dating I’ve learned some hard lessons.  I’ve even backed tracked and made a few mistakes more than once in hopes that there would be a different outcome.

It bothers me so much that men take my kindness for weakness. It bothers me that I give people the benefit of the doubt only to have a broken heart in the end. I’m half way between ‘keep trying and you’ll eventually get it right” vs “doing the same thing and expecting a different result is insanity, boo give it up.” My heart is so big and yet somehow still gets trampled over.  I would hate for the actions of others to make me bitter and cold - possibly missing out on my blessing. What will be, will be I guess.


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