My memory is pretty sharp. I remember a lot of things from
my childhood. Some I care not to remember and some memories I wish I could
relive all over again. I believe that no one has to be a product of their environment.
Situations in our past have some impact on the people we become. I have this one
memory of falling asleep in the backseat after a family outing one day and
being too lazy to walk in the house. I remember my dad picking me up and carrying
me in the house. By this time, I had already woken up because of all the
commotion but decided to keep my eyes close anyway. He carried me to my bedroom
and kissed me on my forehead and said, “sweet dreams baby, daddy loves you.” At
that point, I was so proud of the man he was, and I knew that this man would love
and protect me no matter what. Little did I know, that was so far from the
truth.
Fast forward 5 years and a lot of sleepless nights later
from his yelling and drunken state, this man I thought I knew so well who loved
and protected me turned into someone I barely knew. The man that was supposed to
be my first love gave me the perfect picture of the type of man I never wanted
in my life. That in itself caused me to have major trust issues. How could
those two people be the same person? I was so hurt. My heart was broken in a
million pieces. That little brown bottle that he always kept with him was his
God. He did what it said, when it said to do it. He was loud, scary and mean to
everyone around him.
As an adult. I struggle to trust anyone. When people get
close to me I feel like it’s a matter of time before they flip and turn into
someone I won’t recognize. I find it hard to believe anything anyone says. I
try giving people the benefit of the doubt but that usually doesn’t end up too well.
I’ve built a wall around my heart which causes me to struggle in relationships.
It’s like I’ve built these walls over the years and forgot to construct an exit
for myself or an entrance for anyone who means well. She’s trapped. Trapped in
her own little world thinking every man will do her the same way. My
relationship to this day is pretty much non existent with him and I’m ok with
that.
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