Trapped

I sat here thinking about what to blog about for quite some time. I went back and forth on how personal I was ready to get with yall. When my mind wonders, I’ve been told it’s never a good thing. I think long and hard sometimes and when I get to that point, it’s often hard to bring myself back to reality. So crap, what do I do? I decided to listen to my heart so here it goes…

My memory is pretty sharp. I remember a lot of things from my childhood. Some I care not to remember and some memories I wish I could relive all over again. I believe that no one has to be a product of their environment. Situations in our past have some impact on the people we become. I have this one memory of falling asleep in the backseat after a family outing one day and being too lazy to walk in the house. I remember my dad picking me up and carrying me in the house. By this time, I had already woken up because of all the commotion but decided to keep my eyes close anyway. He carried me to my bedroom and kissed me on my forehead and said, “sweet dreams baby, daddy loves you.” At that point, I was so proud of the man he was, and I knew that this man would love and protect me no matter what. Little did I know, that was so far from the truth.

Fast forward 5 years and a lot of sleepless nights later from his yelling and drunken state, this man I thought I knew so well who loved and protected me turned into someone I barely knew. The man that was supposed to be my first love gave me the perfect picture of the type of man I never wanted in my life. That in itself caused me to have major trust issues. How could those two people be the same person? I was so hurt. My heart was broken in a million pieces. That little brown bottle that he always kept with him was his God. He did what it said, when it said to do it. He was loud, scary and mean to everyone around him.

As an adult. I struggle to trust anyone. When people get close to me I feel like it’s a matter of time before they flip and turn into someone I won’t recognize. I find it hard to believe anything anyone says. I try giving people the benefit of the doubt but that usually doesn’t end up too well. I’ve built a wall around my heart which causes me to struggle in relationships. It’s like I’ve built these walls over the years and forgot to construct an exit for myself or an entrance for anyone who means well. She’s trapped. Trapped in her own little world thinking every man will do her the same way. My relationship to this day is pretty much non existent with him and I’m ok with that.