Today was an amazing day. It started with my son and I going
to church. We all know I love Jesus but curse a little bit 😊.
Before service ended, I found myself at
the alter in tears. I began to get overwhelmed when I started thinking of the amount
of forgiveness I have to do in my life. For something that doesn’t come easy to
me, the more I thought about it, the more I cried. There I was at the alter
praying for inner peace and patience. As the pastor prayed over me, I could feel
the tears falling over my Fenty foundation onto my red and white top. In that
moment it wasn’t about being glamorous. It was a matter of resuscitating my
emotions and breaking through.
Forgiveness for me is so hard at times. When people do me
wrong (in relationships) it really does something to me. It bothers my soul and
keeps me up at night. I’m not perfect by any means. When people do me wrong, I
go out of my way to push their buttons and ruin their life, so they get a small
indication of the hurt they put me through. I want them to feel like I feel. I
hit below the belt.
There’re so many things I’m still angry about. There’s so much
I didn’t get to say to so many people that hurt me and I carry that weight around
day in and day out. It weighs on my heart and the pressure is so strong at
times. It makes me emotionally unavailable to anyone who tries to get to know
me or wants to be in my life. There’re
things in my past I’ll take to my grave and things I still need to forgive myself
for. I’ve created this emotional hell for myself. Today I just cried and began
the process of letting it all go. Forgiveness is so damn hard, but I have to
forgive myself and others in order to move on with my life. Like many of you, I
didn’t deserve the bad crap that’s happened to me. My mom told me a long time
ago. “You’re not responsible for the way people treat you.” I’ve always
wondered how she endured everything she has in her past and found it in her
heart to forgive people. Today marked day one of my journey. I plan to do a lot
of writing, praying, mediation and healing throughout this process. Wish me
luck!
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