Skip to main content

Peace


Candle Burning


Today was an amazing day. It started with my son and I going to church. We all know I love Jesus but curse a little bit 😊.  Before service ended, I found myself at the alter in tears. I began to get overwhelmed when I started thinking of the amount of forgiveness I have to do in my life. For something that doesn’t come easy to me, the more I thought about it, the more I cried. There I was at the alter praying for inner peace and patience. As the pastor prayed over me, I could feel the tears falling over my Fenty foundation onto my red and white top. In that moment it wasn’t about being glamorous. It was a matter of resuscitating my emotions and breaking through.

Forgiveness for me is so hard at times. When people do me wrong (in relationships) it really does something to me. It bothers my soul and keeps me up at night. I’m not perfect by any means. When people do me wrong, I go out of my way to push their buttons and ruin their life, so they get a small indication of the hurt they put me through. I want them to feel like I feel. I hit below the belt.

There’re so many things I’m still angry about. There’s so much I didn’t get to say to so many people that hurt me and I carry that weight around day in and day out. It weighs on my heart and the pressure is so strong at times. It makes me emotionally unavailable to anyone who tries to get to know me or wants to be in my life.  There’re things in my past I’ll take to my grave and things I still need to forgive myself for. I’ve created this emotional hell for myself. Today I just cried and began the process of letting it all go. Forgiveness is so damn hard, but I have to forgive myself and others in order to move on with my life. Like many of you, I didn’t deserve the bad crap that’s happened to me. My mom told me a long time ago. “You’re not responsible for the way people treat you.” I’ve always wondered how she endured everything she has in her past and found it in her heart to forgive people. Today marked day one of my journey. I plan to do a lot of writing, praying, mediation and healing throughout this process. Wish me luck!
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Why Are You Single?

As I'm sitting at work chatting with coworkers about life, I get asked the dreadful question. Breezy, why are you single? I wish I had some profound text book answer for them or hell, five dollars for every time I was asked by people in general. The answer is simple. I just wont settle! Being a single mother dating in 2018 is as complicated as trying to read Mike Tysons lips with your tv muted. Although I’ve struggled with self-image in the past, I’m in a much better place mentally and physically and know my worth. That alone is a powerful weapon. I often look at my friends and family members and think to myself….am I really the only one who doesn’t have a significant other? When will it be my season?
As quickly as those thoughts creep into my head I try to shake them away with positive affirmations. See, I grew up in the church and understand that there’s power of life and death in the tongue. My prayers for my future husband are very detailed and I know deep down, the man that h…
3 comments
Read more

Party of 2

Wow, she’s absolutely gorgeous. Each strand of her naturally curly hair sits perfectly on her head. Her eyes are as dark as a summer night, and her skin smooth as butter. I can’t help but notice the most beautiful baby girl I’ve ever laid eyes on; as I’m sitting on the sidelines at my sons football practice. This baby girl was a mini queen in every sense of the word. I noticed how well dressed she was as her mother pushed her gracefully in her turquoise Graco stroller. Following behind the two were big bother and dad I assumed. The perfect little family.
As they all walked by, my heart began to flutter and my eyes became dewy. I begin to think of the future and If I’ll get the chance to become a mother again. My son constantly ask for a bother or sister as if babies are something we can go shopping for at our local neighborhood market. His innocence is one of the things I enjoy most about him though. Let’s break this down a little. I’m in my late twenties with a seven year old, diagno…
1 comment
Read more

Tap Into Your Superpower

You know, before starting a new job, meeting someone new, or when you have a big decision to make in general; we often ask people for advice. We ask the questions that deep down we already know the answer to before finally making the decision. Women in general have what I like to call the superpower of intuition.It’s a gift given to us by none other than our creator himself. I’ve always felt like God favored women so much, it was his special gift.            The dictionary defines intuition as the ability to understand something immediately, without the need of conscious reasoning. Many times when you’re faced with situations where you’re not sure where to turn or what to do; the reality is you have all the equipment needed to figure things out, you just have to tap into them. After reflecting on my last post, I decided to tap into my intuition superpower again when it came to a certain someone. I recently met a pretty decent guy. Very intellectual, great career, no children, …
Post a Comment
Read more