Skip to main content

Peace


Candle Burning


Today was an amazing day. It started with my son and I going to church. We all know I love Jesus but curse a little bit 😊.  Before service ended, I found myself at the alter in tears. I began to get overwhelmed when I started thinking of the amount of forgiveness I have to do in my life. For something that doesn’t come easy to me, the more I thought about it, the more I cried. There I was at the alter praying for inner peace and patience. As the pastor prayed over me, I could feel the tears falling over my Fenty foundation onto my red and white top. In that moment it wasn’t about being glamorous. It was a matter of resuscitating my emotions and breaking through.

Forgiveness for me is so hard at times. When people do me wrong (in relationships) it really does something to me. It bothers my soul and keeps me up at night. I’m not perfect by any means. When people do me wrong, I go out of my way to push their buttons and ruin their life, so they get a small indication of the hurt they put me through. I want them to feel like I feel. I hit below the belt.

There’re so many things I’m still angry about. There’s so much I didn’t get to say to so many people that hurt me and I carry that weight around day in and day out. It weighs on my heart and the pressure is so strong at times. It makes me emotionally unavailable to anyone who tries to get to know me or wants to be in my life.  There’re things in my past I’ll take to my grave and things I still need to forgive myself for. I’ve created this emotional hell for myself. Today I just cried and began the process of letting it all go. Forgiveness is so damn hard, but I have to forgive myself and others in order to move on with my life. Like many of you, I didn’t deserve the bad crap that’s happened to me. My mom told me a long time ago. “You’re not responsible for the way people treat you.” I’ve always wondered how she endured everything she has in her past and found it in her heart to forgive people. Today marked day one of my journey. I plan to do a lot of writing, praying, mediation and healing throughout this process. Wish me luck!
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Why Are You Single?

As I'm sitting at work chatting with coworkers about life, I get asked the dreadful question. Breezy, why are you single? I wish I had some profound text book answer for them or hell, five dollars for every time I was asked by people in general. The answer is simple. I just wont settle! Being a single mother dating in 2018 is as complicated as trying to read Mike Tysons lips with your tv muted.   Although I’ve struggled with self-image in the past, I’m in a much better place mentally and physically and know my worth. That alone is a powerful weapon. I often look at my friends and family members and think to myself….am I really the only one who doesn’t have a significant other? When will it be my season? As quickly as those thoughts creep into my head I try to shake them away with positive affirmations. See, I grew up in the church and understand that there’s power of life and death in the tongue. My prayers for my future husband are very detailed and I know deep down, the ma
4 comments
Read more
Where has the time gone? I can't believe it's been three years since I launched Breezy Monreaux dot com. This blog means the world to me. I always feel safe and have a sense of calm when I'm here, almost like AA for writers. This is my sacred place. For three years I've had a judgment-free zone full of support and inspiration from others.  I began blogging at a very dark time in my life. My days were long and I found myself in an emotional rut while simultaneously battling anxiety and depression. I'd like to believe that today, I'm in a much better place with room for growth. Last night, I found myself skipping through blog entries I've written in the last three years. As I  revisited entry after entry, I became filled with an immense amount of emotion. My eyes began to water and my physical being began to shake. Tears of joy, sadness, and hope all wrapped up into one.  Tears of joy for all that I've accomplished mentally and physically. Tears of sadness
Post a Comment
Read more

Cloudy With A Chance of Broke

This glass of Walmart wine is giving me life right now. Bougie on a budget is my lifestyle. Since all the water shelves are cleared at Walmart, I settled on this sweet little Moscato. Funny how southerners go straight for bread and water when a storm is approaching. When my son and I lived in Colorado and was expected to get snowed in; sadly all I stocked up on were movies and food. It was nice to be snowed in spending time with the most important person in my life for a day or two. Good times. “Three pairs of underwear for myself…three pairs of underwear for Bentley” I mumbled as I folded our undergarments and placed them in our black rolling suitcase. “Mama, the water is too hot” Bentley yells from the shower across the hall. This is only his tenth time interrupting me within the last five minutes. Why do kids wait until you’re doing something important to need you? Like man, could you wait at least 2 minutes while I get my thoughts together and pack our entire life in a suitcase f
3 comments
Read more