We’ve all had our heart broken at some point or another. It’s life and sometimes people just suck. I’ve had my fair share of heart break and it’s just something I don’t want to endure again. Like who has time and energy to invest in people repeatedly? Not me! It’s just a gamble I’m not willing to take. After speaking with a friend last week, I concluded I actually don’t want a relationship, I want the help.
When I think of being in a relationship my stomach hurts. I like having my own space, I get annoyed with people easily, Bentley and I have our own routine and to add a third person to that would be chaotic. I’ve been in a few relationships and guess what…I’m single now. I actually get upset with myself when I look back on the people I’ve allowed in my life and the time I’ve wasted. It’s frustrating. My last relationship ended for financial reasons right before I found out he was expecting twins with someone else. That was a major blow for me. All I ever asked was for honesty, time, and loyalty. I got neither! I questioned over and over what went wrong, was I enough and so many other things. I then realized that maybe some people are better off by themselves.
Trust is big. I trust absolutely no one, with my heart anyway. I think when people get the chance to screw you over to better themselves better believe they will. At this point, I honestly don’t want anyone to get close to me. I have nothing else to give anyone because I’m busy working on me. Still repairing the damage from before. There was this guy I met a while back. He lived in CA at the time but was in the process of relocating to Charleston. Y’all, this man forgot my name when he moved here so I moved on. He messaged me out of the blue last night and wanted to “see me” because he was in town. Baby I could care less where you are. I have absolutely nothing to say to you. When people make me mad, my mouth can be very reckless so once I told him what I had to say, he ended the conversation with “don’t bleed on the people that didn’t cut you.” It was at that moment I wanted to stick my fingers in my ears and yell “blah blah blah, shut up, I can’t hear you!” Now you want to be Dr. Phil and drop some knowledge on me after you acted like a jerk for 8 months! Get out of here.
Bottom line is, I’m just not ready. I will continue to push people away and keep my guard up until I heal. Team Brea is good for now. I don’t want for anything nor does my son. I’m an awesome mom and doing things I never saw myself doing years ago. I’m ok.
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