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I'm Not Ready


We’ve all had our heart broken at some point or another. It’s life and sometimes people just suck. I’ve had my fair share of heart break and it’s just something I don’t want to endure again. Like who has time and energy to invest in people repeatedly? Not me! It’s just a gamble I’m not willing to take. After speaking with a friend last week, I concluded I actually don’t want a relationship, I want the help.

When I think of being in a relationship my stomach hurts. I like having my own space, I get annoyed with people easily, Bentley and I have our own routine and to add a third person to that would be chaotic. I’ve been in a few relationships and guess what…I’m single now. I actually get upset with myself when I look back on the people I’ve allowed in my life and the time I’ve wasted. It’s frustrating. My last relationship ended for financial reasons right before I found out he was expecting twins with someone else. That was a major blow for me. All I ever asked was for honesty, time, and loyalty. I got neither! I questioned over and over what went wrong, was I enough and so many other things. I then realized that maybe some people are better off by themselves.

  Trust is big. I trust absolutely no one, with my heart anyway. I think when people get the chance to screw you over to better themselves better believe they will. At this point, I honestly don’t want anyone to get close to me. I have nothing else to give anyone because I’m busy working on me. Still repairing the damage from before. There was this guy I met a while back. He lived in CA at the time but was in the process of relocating to Charleston. Y’all, this man forgot my name when he moved here so I moved on. He messaged me out of the blue last night and wanted to “see me” because he was in town. Baby I could care less where you are. I have absolutely nothing to say to you. When people make me mad, my mouth can be very reckless so once I told him what I had to say, he ended the conversation with “don’t bleed on the people that didn’t cut you.” It was at that moment I wanted to stick my fingers in my ears and yell “blah blah blah, shut up, I can’t hear you!”  Now you want to be Dr. Phil and drop some knowledge on me after you acted like a jerk for 8 months! Get out of here.
Bottom line is, I’m just not ready. I will continue to push people away and keep my guard up until I heal. Team Brea is good for now. I don’t want for anything nor does my son. I’m an awesome mom and doing things I never saw myself doing years ago. I’m ok.




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