Her Heart

Last night as I sat in bed staring at the ceiling, my mind began to wander. F**k, this is the second night I haven’t been able to sleep because my heart literally hurts, and my mind is racing a thousand miles a minute.  At this point, I’d been laying there for about 45 minutes trying to hold back tears and think of something else other than what was bothering me, but as usual it wasn’t working. I rolled over searching for my phone within the sheets and blanket. It’s 3:08AM and I’m wide awake thinking about how and why I allowed this man to piss me off again. He’s probably sound asleep not giving a crap and calling hogs home this time of morning.

In that moment,I began to think about how I feel everything so deeply. Everything from emotions, intentions, vibes judgments and even lies. I’m far from perfect, but when people hurt me, it cuts  deep because I know my intentions are never to do people wrong. I’ve said a few times before that I could never do anyone the way some have done me. My heart won’t let me. My heart is more than likely black and blue with decorative bruises.  I’m sure it’s got dents, scrapes and scratches all over it. It’s taken quite a few beatings and disappointments but miraculously it still beats. It’s strong because of the things it’s endured and that’s what counts in the end.

Finally, after holding back the tears long enough, I began to cry. I cried because I’m ready to break the cycle, I cried because I just want to be emotionally free, I want to really laugh and mean it. I’m ready to get rid of the emotional dead weight I carry. I’m ready to see people for who they really are. Some people will never be able to appreciate the person I am, nor support me in my journey of the person I'm striving to become, so for now I’ll keep my distance and work on repairing my heart.