Skip to main content

Her Heart

Last night as I sat in bed staring at the ceiling, my mind began to wander. F**k, this is the second night I haven’t been able to sleep because my heart literally hurts, and my mind is racing a thousand miles a minute.  At this point, I’d been laying there for about 45 minutes trying to hold back tears and think of something else other than what was bothering me, but as usual it wasn’t working. I rolled over searching for my phone within the sheets and blanket. It’s 3:08AM and I’m wide awake thinking about how and why I allowed this man to piss me off again. He’s probably sound asleep not giving a crap and calling hogs home this time of morning.

In that moment,I began to think about how I feel everything so deeply. Everything from emotions, intentions, vibes judgments and even lies. I’m far from perfect, but when people hurt me, it cuts  deep because I know my intentions are never to do people wrong. I’ve said a few times before that I could never do anyone the way some have done me. My heart won’t let me. My heart is more than likely black and blue with decorative bruises.  I’m sure it’s got dents, scrapes and scratches all over it. It’s taken quite a few beatings and disappointments but miraculously it still beats. It’s strong because of the things it’s endured and that’s what counts in the end.
Finally, after holding back the tears long enough, I began to cry. I cried because I’m ready to break the cycle, I cried because I just want to be emotionally free, I want to really laugh and mean it. I’m ready to get rid of the emotional dead weight I carry. I’m ready to see people for who they really are. Some people will never be able to appreciate the person I am, nor support me in my journey of the person I'm striving to become, so for now I’ll keep my distance and work on repairing my heart.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Why Are You Single?

As I'm sitting at work chatting with coworkers about life, I get asked the dreadful question. Breezy, why are you single? I wish I had some profound text book answer for them or hell, five dollars for every time I was asked by people in general. The answer is simple. I just wont settle! Being a single mother dating in 2018 is as complicated as trying to read Mike Tysons lips with your tv muted. Although I’ve struggled with self-image in the past, I’m in a much better place mentally and physically and know my worth. That alone is a powerful weapon. I often look at my friends and family members and think to myself….am I really the only one who doesn’t have a significant other? When will it be my season?
As quickly as those thoughts creep into my head I try to shake them away with positive affirmations. See, I grew up in the church and understand that there’s power of life and death in the tongue. My prayers for my future husband are very detailed and I know deep down, the man that h…

Party of 2

Wow, she’s absolutely gorgeous. Each strand of her naturally curly hair sits perfectly on her head. Her eyes are as dark as a summer night, and her skin smooth as butter. I can’t help but notice the most beautiful baby girl I’ve ever laid eyes on; as I’m sitting on the sidelines at my sons football practice. This baby girl was a mini queen in every sense of the word. I noticed how well dressed she was as her mother pushed her gracefully in her turquoise Graco stroller. Following behind the two were big bother and dad I assumed. The perfect little family.
As they all walked by, my heart began to flutter and my eyes became dewy. I begin to think of the future and If I’ll get the chance to become a mother again. My son constantly ask for a bother or sister as if babies are something we can go shopping for at our local neighborhood market. His innocence is one of the things I enjoy most about him though. Let’s break this down a little. I’m in my late twenties with a seven year old, diagno…

Cloudy With A Chance of Broke

This glass of Walmart wine is giving me life right now. Bougie on a budget is my lifestyle. Since all the water shelves are cleared at Walmart, I settled on this sweet little Moscato. Funny how southerners go straight for bread and water when a storm is approaching. When my son and I lived in Colorado and was expected to get snowed in; sadly all I stocked up on were movies and food. It was nice to be snowed in spending time with the most important person in my life for a day or two. Good times. “Three pairs of underwear for myself…three pairs of underwear for Bentley” I mumbled as I folded our undergarments and placed them in our black rolling suitcase. “Mama, the water is too hot” Bentley yells from the shower across the hall. This is only his tenth time interrupting me within the last five minutes. Why do kids wait until you’re doing something important to need you? Like man, could you wait at least 2 minutes while I get my thoughts together and pack our entire life in a suitcase fo…