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Imperfect Affection

    Physical touch is a powerful thing. It nurtures us when we need it the most, and makes us feel safe and secure. A simple touch fuels bonds that demonstrate love, care, and a sense of being wanted without the presence of words. From birth, it's a necessity we all yearn for and its power can move mountains and break barriers we never knew existed. 

In relationships I always considered myself to be an affectionate person. Outside of my bat shit crazy moments, I made sure my significant other knew how much they were appreciated. Good morning text, mid-day phone calls, and I never had any issues with intimacy. Then one day I met a guy that made me second guess everything I thought I knew about showing affection. He wanted to hold my hand no matter where we were, cuddle in our sleep, grab my waist at the most unexpected times, give me forehead kisses and caress my shoulders in the middle of watching a movie, and he would even throw his legs across me in the bed as he fell asleep. To most people these things are normal. They're things that couples do. In my world, my first thought was "what the f*** are you doing bruh"? It was so weird to have someone do these things to me and I didn't understand why he wanted to do them in the first place. I even secretly wish he'd stop at times. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I suffered from the inability to show affection to my partner outside of being intimate. After some time, I grew to love these things about him but realized I was still struggling to reciprocate his affection. If I wanted to kiss him I'd say things like "we should kiss" or if I wanted to hold hands with him I'd plan every step in my head before making the decision to. 

How did I become that person? I never struggled with showing affection to my friends, family, or even my son, but with my partners in the past, it's always been an issue. Come to think of it, out of all the guys I've dated, neither of them properly displayed true affection towards me the way this guy did. Our affectionate moments were usually when we were being intimate with each other and nothing more. What type of relationship is that? A tragic one! I remember taking the love language quiz and sharing my results with my affectionate partner. I was so embarrassed that the physical touch category was only 5% of how I expressed my love. My love language is "Words of Affirmation" so I knew that would top the leader board over the others, but 5% was definitely in the tanks.  

Present-day, affection is still one of the biggest areas of opportunity I'm committed to working on. I know these things don't happen overnight though so I take it one day at a time. One day I'll be able to dive in for that kiss
or grab my partner's hand without hesitation rooted in the fear of rejection. I'll no longer become paralyzed from overthinking and it'll all happen the way it's supposed to.


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